Guide for Change-the-World-People: Beware, Your Help Might Hurt

I love helping people. It's great -- especially if your help is needed. But more importantly -- especially if the end result was sincerely helpful for someone else.

Because there's also a widespread and dangerously popular way of helping other people and the "world" (whatever that means then), which I call helping-myself-to-feel-a-good-person type of help.

Let me explain (and if that offends someone that's unintentional -- but I would really love to hear the reason why).

Every now and then I run into some wonderful projects that are designed to help someone. It could be some warmhearted white lads flying all the way to Africa to give books to schools or some innovative teachers or parents testing out new learning tools on kids that should foster their healthy self image.

They have a webpage with the mission statement that melts hearts, pictures and sometimes videos of all the action that took place on spot. And I think these people are inspired and deeply touched by their deeds and they feel like having changed the world.

ALARM! Too Many Fake Smiles!

However when you look closer at the people who received the help you only notice a fake smile and an eyesight that seems to scream "Eeeeeeh, this is awkward, let me get out of here!". The more enthusiastic the helpers get, the more insecure the ones being helped feel.

The help is just not connected with their actual needs, natural thoughts, fears, questions and normal behavior pattern. They don't feel in charge. They're dragged into a process that doesn't correspond to their actual reality. And having no control over the process -- would be kind of rude to interrupt the helper and say: "Hey, lady, this doesn't make any sense, I would do it differently." -- they just float along.

And once the helping act is over, the world hasn't become a better place. It actually might be a slightly darker one, as a bunch of people got reassured about their helplessness and having no impact on their own environment.

A Better Way

Really, think about it.

By forcing help on someone you just create an illusion of making a difference. You're mainly helping yourself to feel a better person, to feel as if you're contributing. With this righteous conviction that "I'm doing the right thing, I'm giving to these people exactly what they need" you actually neglect the opportunity that you might be wrong and you disable the ones being helped to voice out their thoughts. You make the help-giving act a one-way-street -- your street.

The best helper can only create an environment where people can feel opened, creative and safe to express their true opinions, to create they're own ways. Helper is as much part of it as the ones who are being helped -- you as a helper are not in a position of knowing the outcome nor even the best process, your role is simply to create and hold the space for meaningful change for those who need help. These processes should never be forced on anyone unless they choose it voluntarily (like I went to T Harv Eker seminar and allowed myself to be guided through a very strict and sometimes weird exercises).

Have you ever seen or experienced some of these illusional fake acts? Would love to hear your thoughts on this.