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Jul 26, 2012

Who's making up your agenda?

A couple of months ago I accepted the invitation to go to Tartu, 2,5 hours ride away from Tallinn. The reason was quite tempting - the University 5 years reunion, a chance to meet up with the guys that we once shared the drinks, notes and compendiums together.

An hour before I was about to take off to Tartu I found myself thinking: "How come that I have time for partying and hanging out with friends, but I don't have time to work on my life vision and review what's REALLY going on underneath?"

Somehow it felt that I have to go to Tartu, that this evening is already planned and that there is no other option.

How often we make our decision unconsciously, without really thinking about what we really want and what's the hidden cost of this decision.

It's like someone else is making our agenda and we just go with the flow.

"Do you want to hang out tonight?"

"Yeah, sure, why not?"

And your Monday night is booked.

It almost feels that you had no choice in the matter, that you just did what was the right thing to do.

It's a very subtle process, it's not obvious that someone else creates your agenda.

It's you who's in charge. You're the one who makes the decisions where and how you spend your time. I love hanging out with my friends and I continue to do so, but if 40% of your time goes on your family, 40% on your business and 20% on your social life then it's wise to make some serious decisions.

And there's really a very simple cure - listen what's really going on inside of you and what are your real needs.

In reality it's YOU who's making the decisions.

So I decided that what I really want is not to go to the reunion and take time for myself. Feeling a little guilty I told to my supportive man that I'm going to take the night off to be by myself (how funny that it's easier to ask for a "permission" to go to a uni reunion than to simply take a break from the family:)?

So I was sitting in Pirita beach, looking at the sunset and letting go of every identity that I have recently taken. I'm not a mother. I'm not a partner. I'm not an entrepreneur.

What I really am deep down is an amazing simplicity, pure clarity, just BEING. I really don't have to be anyone, I don't have to do anything, I already am all these things that I need to be. And some part of me always knows what's the right action to take, where should be my focus and how I should be spending my time.

It's just about taking the time to listen, uninterrupted.