My Most Important Lesson So Far

I used to think that filling our purpose in life is about pursuing a certain purpose -- going after something, finding out something, moving towards something.

Now -- perhaps being under the spell of Tolle -- I realize more and more that all I need is already here. All I have is this moment. No past, no future. There's nothing outside of this moment.

Nothing to pursue. Nothing to be afraid of. No way out of what is. It is here and it is what I have. And it's all I need, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

In a way there's no future, as once I arrive it's already now. So I keep living in this now, which is so narrow and so endless at the same time.

I'm so very grateful to have my now, to fully feel it. I'm still sometimes a prisoner of my memories or my future excitements, I still live somewhere else, not here. But my now keeps expanding, the more I focus on it, the more I feel it.

My strongest NOW experience was after my divorce. I had just became LCP in AIESEC Tartu (a leadership position in student organization AIESEC), I had no income, going to the university. In many ways I was unprepared to live alone with my 2-year old kid, 600 kilometers away from my family, never lived alone before, coming from a Christian community with my 1-man experience.

Yet I was thrilled, being free of all the emotional burden, being free to choose my own way, to fly, to move, to breathe, to laugh. I still start smiling when I think back of these moments, dancing around in the empty apartment with Maru and feeling so incredibly alive and ready to explore.

This time taught me the power of now. I realized that once I start thinking about all the difficulties that I might meet as a single mom I get tired and worn out. So I never did, never asked myself "how we're gonna make it". Because there was no other option but to stay in the moment and live with what is. So there were no difficulties, only the moment. And every moment was great.

You see -- what can be wrong in a moment? When you truly arrive to the moment there's nothing wrong. There's you, your environment, your feeling. You're happy, or perhaps sad, hungry, tired, relaxed, focused, excited. You can be many things -- but none of these things is too overwhelming. You can deal with the moment.

My other experience came when I moved to Malaysia. Just before moving away I started a relationship that turned into 2 amazing months with a great person. I remember lying on bed with him and knowing that I'll be leaving in a couple of days. And yet there was almost no pain, just the joy for what I had. You see -- there were 100 hundred reasons for not to start it in the first place, as I knew already that I'm leaving. Yet I ignored the potential pain, knowing that it's only an illusion -- all I have is here right now and you need to make decisions that matter now.

So I was so fully present in this relationship that nothing did go wrong. I had beautiful 2 months and then was time to move on to a new now.

Now can never let you down. It doesn't even matter what it contains -- everything has a meaning. And when making a decision it should not come out of fear or out of an anticipation of pain -- it's all an illusion.

What you have is here right now. Most of the future scenarios never happen in exact way as you see them in your head. And your memories are selective, they highlight what you choose them to highlight.

There are so many journey's I've started and the best ones have been the ones I've let go of fears of the outcomes.

And there's a truth that is so incredibly simple, yet one of the most powerful things that I've learned: You can always deal with the moment.

Don't attach the burden of the future and past to it -- and the moment becomes enjoyable. You have everything you need to cope with what is.

Life is not a struggle, it's noticing and accepting what is.

PS: One of the most amazing books I've ever read is Eckhart Tolle "The Power Of NOW". Very grateful to have found it, a true guidance on my way.

PPS: Kick me next time I complain...seriously! Slap me good :)