Sep 20, 2013

Finding meaning in it all - still, 30 years later

The days come and the days go. It feels that life is moving in some direction. Carrying me along to an unknown destination. I try to imagine that I somehow control the direction, but the truth is that I only control how I feel about it all - and even that with moderate success. 

The major events and breakthrough moments in my life have been lucky accidents - my kids, meeting the most important people in my life, the career direction, clients. I really quite honestly don't know where it's all going, I'm just curios to keep discovering.

When I think about it then everything seems to be one lucky accident...

A friend of mine says that he doesn't believe in accidents. To be really honest then I don't know if I believe in them or not, I just don't clearly sense anything yet.

But what I do believe is that I'm blessed just to be here. Just to be alive. Just to experience. And trust that this is what I need to learn in this life and that somehow it all makes sense in a big cosmic picture. That somehow, one day, I do understand and will be clapping for my younger self that made it through it all. Sometimes with a white flag in my hand and sometimes with roses in my hair. But I arrived, I grew, I learned and I somehow filled exactly the right spot in this Universe.

That thought makes me feel happy and all light inside.

Sep 19, 2013

Kontrolli kaotus

Hea tunne, et kui ajad mingid asjad korda, mingid asjad, mis on sinu kontrolli all. Viid lapse hamba-arsti juurde regulaarsesse kontrolli. Pesed hommikul hambad ära. Paned autosse bensiini. Organiseerid oma elu nii, et see jookseb nagu masinavärk.

Kuid on asju, mida sa ei saa kontrollida. LOOMING. ÄRI. UNISTUSTE TÄITUMINE.

Need on kõik asjad, mis juhtuvad justkui sinust sõltumatult, ainus, mida teha saad, on uskuda ja palvetada, et kõik läheks nii nagu soovid. Et muusa istuks su õla peal just siis, kui sul teda vaja on. Saad loota, et kuidagi teeb keskkond ruumi sellele, et need asjad, mida oma peas näed, materjaliseeruksid.

Kuid tõele au andes ei ole sul selle üle mitte mingit kontrolli. Arvata, et on, on illussioon. Kõik, mida saad teha, on hinnata hetke - tähistada seda, mis on praegu ja nüüd. Ja liikuda edasi uskudes, et sinu sisemine harmoonia toob jätkuvalt sinu ellu välist harmooniat nagu ta seda seni teinud. Täiesti ennustamatult, kuid samas õnnistatud moel. 

Feb 14, 2013

What If You Were Someone Else?

What if you're not really any of this what you thought you are? What if you were born to some other parents, in some other country?

What if your mom was a porn star, who would you be then? What if you were a child prodigy in China? What if your parents were famous scientists? What if all your best friends in high school were bimbos?

What if you were born in Siberia? What if you went to the best private college in England? What if you had 15 siblings? What if you never had children? What if you inherited a fortune of 40million dollars at the age of 18?

What if you never went to school? What if you wasn't born into a Christian (or atheist, or buddhist or religiously undefined) family?

Who are you really?

What out of your identity is really just based on your life's circumstances?

How much of your identity is really TRUE - and how much you just started to believe about yourself at some point of time?

The identity is really made of of what you believe yourself to be - and the belief system has been put to place long before you were even consciously aware of this. During the course of life one makes subconscious decisions about what is right and what is wrong, you make silent vow-s to be something, not to do something, never to etc etc. You also inherit some values from somewhere and start living accordingly.

And slowly you start believing that this is who you really are. That you are your beliefs, your values, your secret vows.

That you are what the life has made you, good or bad.

So if you're really not all of what you think we are, then WHO ARE YOU?

Is there anything beyond this mask, this illusion, this acquired identity?

Here I think we really need to go back to the moment of birth to get a glimpse of who we really are. Before any of THIS that we think is true was put in place.

Parents know - there is wisdom beyond explanation in every newborn eyes. They are not born without identity, there is some deeper knowledge already in place.

I say it again - we are not born without identity.

You can call it pure potential. Pure light. Pure love. Pure being.

It's something that is visible for everyone - in the eyes of an infant you can see such peace and wisdom that for a moment you feel almost inferior to this being. And you might even feel (as did I with both of my kids) that you never want to ruin that what is already there with any of your own concepts of what that child should be.

I think we really are so much more than we think we are. 

Deep down there is a deeper knowledge, a complete peace and knowing.

So what if the life as you know it right now is nothing but a dream, just one version of what it could be? What if it will completely change in 1 year, in 5 years? What if you consciously choose to be something else, someone else, to choose a different reality - and perhaps this time a more conscious one? Or perhaps one can never be 100% REAL, maybe all there is is an experiment, a game? That we're on this planet to try on different identities to discover some deeper truths about ourselves?

Whatever it is - the reality as we know it is just one version of it. And if you don't really like it, then why not to choose something else?

Oct 6, 2012

"I haven't lived for the past 5 years."

She leaned in over the lunch table, looked me straight in the eyes and whispered in a loud, clear voice:

"Marjam, I haven't lived for the past 5 years."


That was the last thing I had expected to hear from her.

We had just spent the last 20 minutes discussing how exciting our work is. She's a woman who inspires me with her confidence, looks and intelligence. A beautiful, successful woman flying high in the corporate world and rubbing elbows with the most outstanding entrepreneurs in Estonia.

Until I mentioned how much I love the freedom of what my lifestyle gives me - despite the challenges here and there - I'm free. Free to choose whom I work with, to whom I work and what I work on. I can spend the New Years Eve in Florida with a beloved client, journaling and manifesting an awesome year around the campfire, I'm free to take my few possessions and move to Florida for a 2 months creative retreat. I can decide when I work and even take 4-day working weeks if it feels best.

"Wow, Marjam, I've worked so hard for the past 5 years. I've been running every day non-stop - and now when I think about it it feels that I haven't lived."

Despite her high salary she misses out on life. She misses the soul in what she does. The feeling that what you do makes a difference. That you LIVE, not just make money.

Life is so precious. It's worth to stop every once in a while and ask yourself: "Why am I doing what I'm doing?"

And see if the answer does make sense. If it doesn't - time for a radical change.

Sep 19, 2012

Experiment: Experiencing the world as a bitter old woman

I saw an old lady today. She had sat herself on the edge of the pavement and looked out of breath. The wrinkles on her face made her look constantly worried and even angry. She looked worn out. Maybe it was this moment only, maybe it was the story of her life.

Somehow you don't see a young person very often who'd be worn out. Most of the young people look happy, excited and motivated. Seems that this juice of life gets lost somewhere along the way. They suddenly lose it - just keep existing and not living anymore.

Looking at that woman I started to wonder what had happened to her. But how could I know? I've never walked in her shoes, I don't know what happened to her that she became hopeless and a little bitter.

An experiment: Experiencing the world how as the old woman

Then I tried something else. I imagined that I'm suddenly inside of her body. I feel what she feels. I see what she sees. I hear what she hears. I feel the pain in her back, the dryness of her skin, the wind on her face. I see the cars driving in front of her eyes and splashing dirty water on her clothes.

And I start thinking different thoughts. About the world. About myself. About life.

Then I switched from her to the middle aged woman who was limping. I imagined how it would feel like to walk so slowly. How would the world look and feel different? What would I think about myself? What would I plan for the future? How would I experience the world?

And suddenly I felt such a deep empathy, such inspiration from all these people living their lives and having their everyday experiences. So different from me. No judgement. Just understanding. Just empathy.

Whenever I feel disconnected from other people, judgmental, misunderstood or confused I can always try the world from their own skin. Such a deep understanding and new perspective becomes available.

Sep 16, 2012

To all the good people

What an absolute bliss it is to talk to someone who's shining! Someone who's grateful, powerful, full of the delightful juice of life and shines it out to the world.

After spending some time with one of these sun people - the opportunities suddenly appear and more becomes available. The good and yummy things in my life stand out as bright stars and I feel overflowed with happiness and such tender gratitude that makes my hair stand.

Now doesn't it only make sense to spend more time with people like this? To choose them as your clients, partners, colleagues, friends?