Disguised truth

Today I heard a child screaming in the dormitory's corridor: „I don’t want, mommy, I don’t want!“ It continued for a few minutes, then faded away, I guess in the end the parent got her way.

For me it was heartbreaking. I’m just writing an article about relations between parents and teenagers and the most important thing I’ve picked up is simple – listen to each other.

Why is it so hard to hear a child? Just imagine yourself screaming: „I don’t want!“ and nobody caring why, instead just blaming you for complaining until you stop resisting.

As if parents have a weird anxiety that if they don’t force their children to behave according to certain standards their children will fail as acceptable citizens.

Anxiety confused with love. Doing what is best for you, never thinking why. Following standards even if you don’t like it, but because you started to believe at some point of time that this is how it must be.

What standards anyway? Those standards vary from family to family – if you should always take an umbrella with you when it’s raining, if using public transportation is good or bad, if you should eat everything on your plate, if going out without a bro is sluttish or not, if smiling without a reason is weird or a must-do. Those are not universal laws, they are merely actions that are not right or wrong, but vary from one culture, tradition, habit, belief etc to another. But as people are different, they should have the freedom to choose a way that suits most to their unique character.

Forcing those actions in the name of „universal and right“ creates an illusion that there are no truths. I guess there are not, if you never hear your gut feeling and have learned to ignore the tiny sensations that always give away if you are acting according to it or not.

For me truth is not an action, instead it's bunch of principles, repeating themselves in all the religions, philosophies, people authentic stories and lessons about life, thinkers discoveries, even some help-yourself handbooks. So it can have many faces, but the source is the same.

In this light it’s heartbreaking to see the effort that goes in teaching the right way instead of guiding how to find your way. I guess a child knows better what face does her truth have, unfortunately it gets lost quickly if you are not heard.

Imagine if you could just be natural and speak from the heart. What would you say? What would you do?

I must create some chaos

I’m afraid of the unknown. I have no guarantees, only dreams and aspirations. I have my broken self image, that gets fixed during the journey, but who knows which parts I haven’t noticed? And sometimes even when I try, I’m unable to find my cure.

Yet the unknown is here every day. No one has walked this path. Or maybe has, but I don’t know this person. And I’m not sure if this person could help, as we are bound to be alone through our uniqueness.

Next day has so many choices. This moment does. It could be ordinary, but it’s not - it has a potential to be whatever. And having a choice makes me restless, makes me curious, in need to move on, expand, learn, grow, stretch. It makes me disappointed, weak, sad. And it makes me humble, small, connected, part of it, wise.

This very moment puts me in unknown. Am I up for it? Am I courageous enough to live this moment?

Or I just let it pass. Hide for it and deny it ever existed. Just ignore life with it’s full excitement, merely exist day by day, comfortably, discontent deeply buried somewhere.

I can do that. I am doing this, much too often. Why? Because I’m scared of unknown.

What would happen, if...? What WOULD happen?

Here I am, it has happened already, luckily often enough. I have my story, not a comfortable one.

I need to make it even more uncomfortable, more in unknown.

So I have a choice right now, with this moment. Ability to be scared of it fills me with so much gratitude.

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An astonishing poem that inspired me today from Art of Hosting mailing list, written by a practicioner, Tenneson Woolf Grandma, who died this April. "She was a feminist, a visionary, a gifted leader, a tough warrior, a beautiful midwife."

I MUST

grow and I must stretch and

feel the unrest and discontent

with my own circumstances

no matter

how comfortable I have made them

the need to grow begins to haunt me

when I grow too comfortable

I cannot explain it

nobody taught me how to explain it

there are no words

just the constant ache to expand a little

and feeling that need

like a tooth that needs fixing

and needing also some place in which to do it

and there being no arena for me, woman

child

and man too sometimes man – humanity

and there being none

for my need and

the awful ignorance of how to fill it

and I must fulfill

this need somehow

from my not knowing any other way

I consciously and unconsciously must

CREATE SOME CHAOS

Hold on to your illusions

I'm reading currently an amazing book from Robert Cialdini called "Influence". It reveals simple and yet effective techniques how most of the people are influenced every day. One experiment that showed how our self image is influencing our actions (and how it can be used to get your way) made me rethink the importance of the mental pictures we have about ourselves and others.

The experiment was conducted among some home-owners in California, who were asked if they could display a 8 cm diameter sign saying: "Be a safe driver". Majority of the home owners agreed to fulfill the small request, which also showed them as responsible citizens. However a few weeks later different volunteers asked the same home owners to install in their front lawns a very large billboard stating: "Drive carefully". Amazing 76% of the homeowners agreed in contradiction of 83% of homeowners in the same neighborhood who refused, but were not asked 2 weeks earlier to display the small sign.

Displaying the small sign had changed the self image the homeowners had about themselves - they now considered themselves as responsible citizens who acted to serve the common good. This image of themselves made them compliant also to a much bigger request that came later.

We act according to what we believe we are.

The same principle is found from Martin Seligman book "Authentic happiness", which he calls "Hold on to your illusions!" One survey revealed that the bigger the discrepancy and inconsistency between what you think of your partners strengths and what your mutual friends think of him/her the happier the relationship. So if you friends find your guy quite an average Joe and you consider him as a delightful mixture of Brad Pitt and Dalai Lama - you are right! Apparently your partner actually starts to change towards the direction you believe him/her to be.

We all have a natural need to act consistently with what we believe about ourselves and others to be.

Knowing this doesn't it make so much sense to review your beliefs about yourself and people around you? If our self image makes us who we are, then what is this picture we have right now? And what would we want it to be?

What you think of others is what they become. What you think of yourself is what you become.

Too young to think with your own head?

When is it too late to start practicing?

Just came from the kindergarten from a development talks. Parents are asked to come to the kindergarten once a year to talk about their children development.

So what would you expect this interview to focus on? The uniqueness of your child, how to help this unique creature in co-operation with kindergarten and parent to become a healthier and stronger person? Well, almost.

The real focus was the child weaknesses. Discussing what influence that approach has on the person self-esteem is a separate topic, what I wanted to discuss here was how the teachers are dealing with problems and how this can influence the latter pro-activity of the child.

The punishment commonly used in the kindergartens for misbehavior is to put children sitting in the "bad-child-chair" (or to separate him/her in some other way from others) and to repeat that until child quits the bad action. So the solution to deal with problems is to tell what is the correct way, then punish the ones who don't obey and praise the ones who do.

The problem with this approach is not only that it might be unfair (in case of many children you always don't see what is behind the fight and punish the wrong child), but it also places the responsibility on the teacher. Child doesn't have any other role than to fit in the world of rules - and try to be clever enough not the get caught when not fitting in. When caught - try to be even more cleverer so that it wouldn't happen again. It doesn't really make him understand the reasons and develop solutions.

In the world which is getting more and more complicated and it's hard even for grown ups to judge what is right and what is wrong, you most probably don't want to develop people who are always expecting someone else to know the answer. People who have learned to live in frameworks and do what is the right thing to do aren't too successful in a changing environment. But let's face it - the world changes quicker than the journalists can keep up and in the future we can expect things we don't even know how to get ready.

We need people who can evaluate the situation, analyze the options, choose the next step and then take responsibility of making that step. Yes, this ability has to come with the sense of community and understanding of collective knowledge, but it starts from every person taking individual responsibility.

Without justifying any of the problems - I truly think children should be encouraged to take responsibility over their action. Very often they already know what is right and what is wrong and also sense the feelings of others very well. So why not to ask them what do they think is the best solution for the problem?

The teacher told me: "I think it's too early to ask him his opinion." She believes more in telling and controlling. Well, I don't think it's ever too early to start supporting the simple ability to evaluate the situation and take responsibility.

With all the respect for the teacher - when is the right time to ask child's opinion? Or - when is it too late to start asking?

Any wonder most of the organizations are built on strict command lines. Any wonder people often find it hard to make decisions and that companies are head-hunting for people who are able to do so. Any wonder people are often hoping that someone else is responsible and therefor sit back and wait, getting bittered in the hope that things get will improve, but still not quite seeing that.

I believe we all need to trust our ability to make decisions and help others to do the same.

So - instead of telling the answer - ask. Ask your child what does he think is the best solution. Ask your team-member, co-worker, your partner, your friend. Make sure you listen as well. And then keep accountable.

What are you doing this summer?

Thought I post today something practical - why talk about philosophical things only, when the main joy in life comes through practice (and through practice comes philosophy:).

So here's a chance - making an adventure this summer, going away from Estonia for 2-3 months to work in a new country.

The program is easy - you apply, get selected and get a chance to choose an internship from different Central- and Eastern-Europe countries.

You arrive to a new country and culture (CEE region is rich of cultures - from Turkey and Balkans to other side of Russia), create a new network of friends, get new professional experiences and once you arrive back - see a world in a whole new way.

5 reasons to go abroad this summer vs staying in Estonia:

1. It's an adventure - want to live an exciting life? Make exciting things, go out of your box even if scared in the beginning

2. Develop yourself - it's not so easy to start your life all over in a new country, so you don't have any other chance then to become a more confident, capable and aware person once your out of your comfort zone

3. Get friends - some of my best friends are from CEE region, they are different, I love it (I love my Estonian friends too, anyway it's good from time to time be overwhelmed by kissing-hugging-smiling-sharing-people from South part of the region)! World is small, it's good to know people

4. Discover a new culture - people do things differently "out there", they understand world in a whole new way than you, they challenge you with their values, approaches and explanation of how things work. Getting to know it makes you see Estonia differently and bring some innovation back here

5. Make a next step in your professional career - university over or about to end? What next? I guess some reflection time while discovering new working styles and spending time out of the influences "back home" helps you to figure this out

So here's the idea - grab your chance before you get settled in an internship in Estonia you hope will help you in the future. Or get settled with a permanent job or a family or anything else that would keep you permanently here without finding out what COULD have been. 2-3 months of investment of your time to something that can influence you a lifetime is worth considering.

What next? Start by contacting Alisa - alisa.logofatu@aiesec.net (if you are already AIESEC member - contact her or your local VPX anyway to ask about your next steps). This girl is more than glad to help you with practical information and get together with people who help you to find yourself after a few months in the middle of Europe, in the beginning of a remarkable adventure and personal learning experience!

Check out the video about the program (originally from Czech Republic - thank you, guys, for sharing it!), deadline for Estonians to apply is 15th of May.

Busy in being not busy

I’m busy. In pasts months I’ve been travelling a lot, planning, thinking about my future, meeting people, designing processes, conferences, seminars, reading new books, visiting Local Committees, conversations, strategic meetings, taking time for Maru, catching up with my university, spending time with my team, hosting guests. It has been quite a journey.

I love it. Why? Because it makes sense. I’ve been busy doing the things I love and trying to reduce the things I’m not necessarily good at to minimum. And what I love is sometimes to say no to any obligation I have, just to sit back, relax, read a book, meet a friend, take a hot bath. I’m equally busy in learning to be not busy, which is an surprisingly challenging thing to do when 1) you are so used to run 2) everyone is expecting you to run 3) everyone else is running

What I’m saying is that being constantly busy makes you run. When you are running – you don’t have time to think. When you don’t think, you don’t see anymore where you are running.

Stop.

Take a moment to look around. Where are you going? What makes you busy? Where is your time going? What is your choice, what have you took randomly in your life because you didn’t have time to see the difference between important and non-important?

If you are too busy in being busy, you don’t have time for passion. You don’t understand anymore what is truly important. Everything becomes the same importance. You might run into an highly important and impactful event – and remain ignorant. Because you don’t have time to see the difference.

The less grounded the person is the more confusion he/she creates in the world. I see constantly how people run into me with their confusion, indecisvness. They are fighting for something without being convinced in themselevs that this is THEIR thing. They fight to fight, not because it’s important, but because making a stand is considered as a sign of strenght. Their opinions change, their causes change as the background – whatever it might be - changes. People without principles and goals create confusion.

So stop. What of this busyness is actually the confusion of other people? And what is the confusion of your own indecisiveness?

Being busy is not a bad thing. I love it...as long as I’m busy with something that really matters to me. For that I need to know first - what matters to me (easy:) and then – ignore the rest as much it’s possible. For sure it causes some negative opinions for the start as you are not meeting the expectations of the people who are used to that – but in the long run it makes it easier for everyone to communicte with you. And you are simply a more effective and happier person.

Be busy – but make sure you take enough time to know with WHAT and WHY.

Celebrating

Today take a moment to celebrate. I'm sure you have something. Don't worry if it's not perfect and could be improved. If you put it in your life context you realize quite quickly that nothing could be perfect or could - but would come with a cost of other vital areas and would anyway end up in total imperfectness in big picture.

So celebrate the things you have worked for with your heart or the good things that others have given you. Or something else that you know should not be taken for granted.

Just celebrate from time to time. That makes you recognize others for their efforts and creates an aura of positiveness around you. You get new energy for even greater deeds, you feel motivated by the good feeling coming from success and not the duty, you become more confident and understand yourself better. Your re simply more productive, happier and "last longer".

Learn to ignore the critics if it is trying to change the core of you. Don't try to develop your weaknesses, focus on your strengths and again - ignore if somebody finds that not suitable. Yet learn about different types of people, your key to perfection is in combining different types.

****

I am so glad for Annual Conference! For electing the MCP 08-09 and seeing all the people in the election process, their growth, inspiration and simple openness to be there and share, for meeting the people who inspired me a lot, my team who was there with all their attention and hard work, the vision of the conference that was so close of being realized as we imagined (with yet all the lessons we learned), for sleepless nights and work behind it that no-body knows, but that gives you so much inner satisfaction, for extreme fun we had and randomness, getting to know ourselves better, new members, next generation, passion for P-boxes, seeing the impact in people and again - passion for P-boxes and changes, development and fast moving forward.

Celebrating in my heart.

Destination happiness

I have recently discovered that I’m a very happy person. Most of the time I feel good or at least know what should I do to get out of my misery. Here I have listed some of the lessons I have learned and continue learning every day.

Take responsibility over your life. No one else can make you happy. If you don’t like something, change your attitude. Or change something in your life. Never place your happiness in other peoples hands, this is your only life.

Focus. Worrying about the next moment doesn’t help you much in the current. Use the ones you have. Don’t carry with you the burden of worries, make your mind sharp and focus on what is here and now. There is a way through, but to find it you need resources which stay hidden if you are not concentrated.

You are not perfect. This is nor an excuse nor a motivation. This is just a fact. Accept it. Accept every weakness you have, look right into the face of it, make it yours, feel comfortable with that. Your weaknesses are actually part of your strenghts.

Stay positive. No matter what. Enjoy the little things if big ones are broken, see the perspective if the moment is painful, look into yourself if others have lost their faith. You see what you want to see. And yes, stuff happens, get angry if needed, be emotional if you don’t see other way, but never about the person or life as such, it’s only the situation that you don’t like.

Love yourself, you are the best version of you. Only the ones who love themselves are capable of loving others. So not all people will like you, you will love them despite of that, they too are on their way.

Hidden deep message

So - what is the deep message of the following video? There definitely is...I'm sure...when we were making it it seemed that it's there:)

'

PS: LC Tartu, you made magic this year with the Pancake party! Thank you!

All you get are opportunities

My neighbors have a baby. I have never seen him, but I hear him quite often. When I’m already in my bed, enjoying the last moments of the day, I can hear him crying. When I wake up in the morning and eat my porridge I hear him again. Sometimes I also catch the voices of the parents, the rulers – or prisoners - of the little kingdom.

I can imagine the little room next door . It is filled with specific smell, a mixture of milk, diapers, urine, cream for baby's sensitive skin. In this room seems that even the toys, baby clothes and all the widgets to make the mothers life easier are part of the smell, because the reality is so packed and small that it’s hard to break it into smells, physical objects, feelings and state of minds.

When the mother goes out, she looks like a normal woman with her baby carriage. I’m quite sure she puts on her make up before going out (she is a young girl, a student), washes hair and maybe also irons her clothes. So the carriage looks more like an accessory while the girl wonders on the streets, shops and cafes.

But she’s not an ordinary woman. She is a mother who has a little baby. The fact that she is out with her baby carriage is only possible because the baby has sleeping time and wherever the woman has to go it can’t take too long and she is back at home – or a safe harbor where it’s possible to feed the child – before the child wakes up – or his demanding starts to annoy other people.

The life in the next door has a specific rhythm. Every now and then there are events that break the routine or actually add new elements to it - a new teeth, time to switch from breast milk to puree, first hair cut, suddenly the first words. And so the story goes till I don’t hear the crying anymore, which just means that life has moved on to new era, no worse or better than the previous one, but definitely with new routines and challenges.

The weird thing is that life in the next door is no different than the any other life we people are having. Life is made of small pieces – events, people, smells, moments of exhaustion and moments of happiness, sicknesses, headaches, fights, truce, aging, silence, noise. Life is as it is, it has it’s way, ups and downs. It goes and goes like a river, until it’s over.

So whatever is there – it’s nor good nor bad, but it’s life and it’s all you have. Life itself is wonderful enough to stay curious and grateful for everything it brings, not trying to control everything and gaining control by being flexible enough to go with the flow. There is no real reason to admire, to be jealous or to pity anyone else, as this is just how the story goes – all you get are opportunities, which sometimes might look like dead ends or just ordinary days in a row.

So I wouldn’t like to discuss if this or that event that happens to you in life is good or bad, but rather what you do with the events you have.

Only stories

A while now I haven’t directly written about AIESEC. I’m working as a president of this organization in Estonia, being involved full time and working daily with topics that I’m personally passionate about – individual development, discovering your strengths and finding your future career, problems in the society around us etc. Yet I’m discovering every day that I’m not working for AIESEC.

There is no such thing as AIESEC, it doesn’t exist in itself. It gets the meaning only through different stories, through people who are living their life in a dynamic and challenging way (is there any other way to your true self, at least in the beginning of your journey?) and giving the meaning to the organization by caring what is happening in the world and gaining deeper understanding about themselves.

It sounds easier than it really is.

When you start your journey you have no idea what you are connecting yourself with. There have been times when I’ve asked myself: „Why is this organization doing this to it’s members?” Once you start going it’s inevitable that you meet challenges, a lot of them. Staying awake in the night to cope with your responsibilities in AIESEC, finish your school works, reply all the e-mails and be able to face your sweetheart in the morning while trying to explain why you put so much effort in your work isn’t the hardest one. Yet this is something you can solve with learning time management.

The hardest part is to start facing yourself. Start realizing who you could be and seeing the gap between your dreams and reality. Facing the feeling of failure when you are not meeting your own expectations, which you soon don’t even know are your own or coming from other people.

AIESEC makes your life hard. You can’t stay in your box anymore. You move on or you give up. And as you move on you don't expect someone else to help you to reach wherever you want to go. It's about you, standing up, going on, learning and finding the meaning every day.

I believe living your dreams is not easy. No-one tells you how you can reach your dreams, there are no books written on the topic „10 steps for your personal success, Marjam Vaher!” (and the ones about Richard Branson, Nelson Mandela and Jack Welch are about Richard Branson, Nelson Mandela and Jack Welch, not you).

Starting to realize that reaching your dreams or even recognizing the right one is harder than dreaming itself makes you humble. How can you judge others when you know the work behind it?

So AIESEC is nothing more than a playground for people who are yearning to find out where the dream could lead. Challenged by the environment, expectations, responsibilities, people, tasks I feel I’m growing every day to become more connected with what I could be. Me and the rest of the 23 000 members.

So there is no AIESEC. Only stories.

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This is EuroCo facilitators dance video. Every time I hear this song I remember the moments I had during past 10 days in Lithuania. I have to smile every time and feel grateful for being able to experience such times, people, fun and happiness.

Time for questions

What is busy? Is busy a choice or an inevitability?

What makes you feel good? Are you working to feel good or hoping to find the key to your happiness by filling your days with activities?

Are we being perfectionists because we want to have a great result? When is great GREAT enough? Do people want to do great things because it makes them feel great or it makes others think they are great?

Are we afraid to feel good about ourselves because we are not perfect? Are we judging ourselves because we want to please other people? Can we be perfect? And if not – is continous forgiving an automatic ingredient of love? Should we ask forgiveness for not being perfect or should we wait for acceptance? Is judging the problem of the judger or the one being judged?

Why people don’t appreciate themselves? Why is it so hard to love the imperfect self? Can you love others before loving yourself? Is the criticism coming from hurt self-picture? Can you open the door outside before it’s being open inside?

Is the ability to ask right questions coming through doing wrong things? Can you seek for balance before being out of balance and touching the opposite border of perfect peace? Are hard experiences send to teach us the most important lessons we wouldn’t be able to learn through happy experiences?

Nothing is better than being in peace with yourself. Knowing you are not perfect and still love every day you have. Makes you appreciate others as they are, even if you not always agree with them. Makes you judge the situation, not the person. Makes it easy to forget and forgive, makes you want to contribute without wanting back, because in the end it’s still about you – feeling alive, connected, loved and happy about your life.

Inspired by failure

Having an opinion is not easy, right? There are many opinions in the world, having yours means you disagree with some. So the easy way is a) not to share yours 2) change your with the direction of wind 3) speak in such mild words that no one understand what you mean 4) not to have yours and go with the flow etc

We can and have to be able to change our opinions. We need to listen and we need to understand other point of views. But I think there are things we can’t make compromises and there are times when we have to make a point. Not because we want to create a conflict, but because the matter is too important to watch silently.

I think there are some universal principles in the world we should never make compromises about and trying to respond to external expectations is never going to work out. Good intentions are not good enough. Good intentions to make others happy create confusion in you, distract you from your inner path and actually make your story in this world quite irrelevant as it doesn’t go anywhere, just stays in the middle.

So yes, I have an opinion, which sometimes has made me feel as a lighting rod for negative energy, but is also a base of my inner satisfaction.

I think that complaining is a waste of time and complaining makes me bored. I think that arrogance is a highway to loneliness and I don’t want to spend too much time with people who are arrogant. I also think that arrogance can easily be mixed with fighting for a cause and that people who truly fight for something are bound to create conflicts around them.

I think that avoiding a conflict ends up in a mildness and mild people have lost contact with their true self. I believe that living up to your potential is not easy and that you need support to succeed. And I think that most of us are scared and lonely, but we are equally scared of losing our social status to talk about it (maybe only not when we’re drunk or also as referring to past experience).

I think that what distinguishes some from the others is the fact that some keep going even if they are scared and through that keep finding what they are looking for. Others put majority of their time on talking, complaining, excusing or are just occupied with irrelevant details to keep them busy that this makes them internally unhappy and not fully satisfied with their life.

There is so much around us that tries to make us give up. I have found out that the truly inspiring stories are not about success. They are usually about failure. They are about people who did a bad mistake, who insulted someone, who screwed up a big project, who didn’t manage with their tasks, who were beaten at school, who didn’t have any friends etc. They are usually inspiring because they are only told by extremely brave people, who have succeeded neither the less.

People who truly fail never speak, they hide.

People who CAN talk about their failure can do it just because they kept going though no one else thought they could, even more – that they should move on. And it’s inspiring exactly because it’s so human to fail, we all do it every day, we all have expectations we are unable to meet – or others have expectations we are not meeting. And as sharing your failures is not a common thing, we might think we are the only freaks.

But the fact is that we are not. And realizing that the only way to succeed is through a failure – just always standing up and moving on, a little bit wiser and more experienced – is giving the needed hope.

That’s why the real, authentic leaders are humble, they know the price. I believe that success and failure are so connected that you can't have one without the other.

Why I love writing?

Clean sheet.

I can freely fill it with all kind of thoughts I have. With thoughts that have nothing to do with my work, my to-do list, my daily hurries. I’m free to think and create freedom around me. Out of routine, to a different world that maybe will exist some day because I’m thinking about it now, maybe just stays as an inner conversation, maybe influences someone else. But it creates freedom around me, fresh air, new ideas.

I need new ideas as oxygen (my God, it sounds as such a cliche, but there couldn’t be any deeper meaning in it then there is for me), I can’t live in routine. I need to have emotions, colors, bravery, adventure. I need to have meaning in my life, I need to feel I’m alive.

Clean white paper has always been most inspiring for me. It contains so much potential, it hasn’t been influenced by any idea and it’s up to my fantasy what I do with it.

Answer to my grandmother

In past two years I've been traveling quite a lot, which has mainly been to different AIESEC conferences and international meetings. As I've also written before - going to an AIESEC conference is not the same as traveling to some specific country. Yes, the conference takes place in Egypt or Macedonia or Turkey as now, but during the conference you are dragged into a different world that is put together from different nations, set schedule, knowledge and ideas and you barely sense the culture and world outside of the plenary.

Before coming to Turkey my grandmother asked me in a concerned way (yes, she still thinks life outside of your known area is more dangerous than the one you have tried already): "Why are you going to all these conferences? What do you really get out of communicating with all these people?"

In a way the impact of my experiences from conferences might be hard to measure. The international network I have built might not last more than 5 years (if even so much) after AIESEC and I might not use it to the full potential for making business or something else concrete out of it. So if the size of my international network would be the only measure of my success coming from conferences (and I'm talking about personal gains, not organizational, which are obviously bigger) then it would be very hard to explain to my grandmother why am I actually investing so much time into conferences.

But as I've realized the network itself is not that important as the ability to build the network again in any given situation. Simple communication skills, art to talk to people and feel comfortable among different mindsets coming from various religions and cultures. You learn all of this also in your everyday work in AIESEC which is very much team based, but conference situation is the most intense and practical lesson to learn the art of networking.

During my stay in Turkey I won't update my personal blog, but will write regularly in our MC blog which can be found here

Where Marjam got the nice tan

Here I am in Torino, relaxed, brown, energized, full of pizza and pear juice. It's the last stop of the 10-days trip we made from South-Croatia to Italy, probably the best vaccation-like vaccation I've had. Among other things I discovered during the past days that I really enjoy working and it's unusual for me to be too long departed from the work I love and care about. But it's another story and a serious issue for me to think about :) Right now I will go and drive with Torinos new, full-automatic metro made for Olympic games, take advantage (just kidding, ofcourse) of Italian hospitality and practice the stupid smile I have in store for relaxed times.

Some highlights of the journey:

- glazing streets of Dubrovnik, the city I would love to visit once more and take time to fully discover and enjoy
- tropical rain that almost blew us over in Split oldtown
- waterfalls and wild, untouched nature in Plitvice national park - lakes full of fishes who look as if you can feed them from your hand, ducks who look you as a sight, views that take your breath away
- clear and bright blue water everywhere in Crotia, salt that attaches to your body and face
- home-made icecream in Krk island (the name sounds as if sand was between your teeth), the place my sister was on an AIESEC internship
- jumping from 7 meters cliff right into the Adriatric sea (took me 5 minutes to get over from the fear)
- autocamps - some with the view on the sea, some on the neighbors tent, making dinner and eating it on the mattress, preparing the tent, walking in the neighborhood, waking up in the hot tent
- mountains outside of the car window - changing their face during our journey from South-Croatia to the North
- signs of passed war - houses with bulletholes, abandoned villages and burnt down villas
- car - reading in the car, sleeping in the car, talking in the car, looking for more comfortable position to sit in the car, laughing, singing, looking outside of the car-window. General - car. Volvo.
- Venice, the town that surprised me with the unfriendliness, high prices and feeling of being ripped off all the time, but also gave some unique, memorable moments
- Verona, town of peace and harmony, feeling of belonging (Romeo and Juliet balcony is pointless, btw)

Now soon back to Estonia. Let's drink some Coca Cola light for that.

Learning from people

Couple of weeks ago we made an interview for AIESEC E-book project, where famous and successful Estonian entrepreneurs share their stories. It’s published and distributed in autumn as an CD to inspire and educate young people to become entrepreneurs or just to get new ideas for their own future.

Our interviewee Andres Koger is the top executive of one of the biggest construction companies in Estonia. The area his working in is masculine – construction. He has been in this business over 20 years, gone through some really tough times, started from a scratch with no-one believing he could succeed and built despite of the tough competition and lack of support in the beginning a profitable and strong company.

What would you expect a person with such background would stress? Hard work, determination, setting high goals, being better than your competitor? Where have his experiences taken him?

Seems so that there is something connecting successful people, at least according to my experiences – they all care about some spiritual values that matter more than material ones. He even told: “Setting money as your goal is a formula of failure,” which was based on his own experience when he went down with his business.

It was assuring to hear him talking about some really simple and humanistic values – sincerity, honesty, passion for your work, caring about people, family.

Some lessons he shared and that stayed in my mind:

Everyone wants to be loved.

Good leader is sincere, honest and opened and knows thoroughly his/her field of work.

To get you have to give, the more you give the more you get.

Searching for balance is the meaning of life.

To love means taking risks. You have to open yourself – both for love and both for getting hurt.

He told us that people tend to surround themselves with thick walls to protect themselves from getting hurt. But the weird paradox here is that the thicker the wall, the stronger the attacks. So the more you try to protect yourself from the cruel world, the crueler it gets and you have the impression that world is full of tensions and all bad things happen to you. So you get even more closed and stony, moving away from your personal happiness.

So how weird it might sound – giving to others only serves your own interests. You can be happy only if you give away, not keep for yourself.

The other thing that related with my personal experiences and redefined them in somewhat new way was this: children are sent to you to teach you.

He has five children and all of them are different. His wife has asked: “How come they are all so different? I have raised all of them the same way!” He believes the child is sent to you for a certain lessons, the right child for the right moment for the right person. And if someone doesn’t get any children – it’s again the way it was supposed to be.

****

Talking to people is a great source of learning for me, especially when people have something to say. I will most probably always stay a student, because the more I learn the more I realize how little I know and especially how far is my theory from practice. Older generation doesn’t give me much hope either – the brighter ones of them say they are learning themselves as well. As Andres Koger put it: “I’m still a student myself.”

Lost in translation

This weekend I decided to cut my school to-do list short and finish some things I should have already some time ago. With enthusiasm I opened the file - and felt how my energy is absorbed by the first sentence (I wouldn't dare to translate it into English:):

Oma paradigmaatilisel kujul on poliitiline kohustus igal legitiimsele poliitilisele autoriteedile legitiimselt alluval isikul või isikute rühmal lasuv kohus kuuletuda selle võimu legitiimsetele korraldustele.

Translating philosophical and scientific texts into Estonian is something to be grateful for.

Yes, I agree, I support.

But please - not directly from the other language, some "ABC of Estonian" would help to popularize the texts among students.

I'd end this posting with the very last sentence from the same text:

Et aga püsiks rahu, võib meil alati vabalt vaja minna Leviathanit - ja vaja minna lausa hädasti!

Golden words, golden words!

PS: If you need advice who you should NOT hire as your personal translator, ask for hints:)

Memories take over

I came yesterday to Saaremaa, the greatest place to be from (it's OK to say it also about Narva, Puka and Kõpu – but for me it's this special island). My parents are divorced, so only my dad, brother and cats Vasja and Valdo Kuubik are living in my childhood big house (Kuubik is the one, who would have died in Tartus winter unless brought here).

Often when I'm here I get the chance to rest and reflect, as the environment has this special calming effect on me. Even falling asleep in my old room, surrounded by my cheap, but valuable children book collection, pictures and poems on walls and diaries in the bookcase I feel connected with something I can't really describe.

Compared to my childhood days things have changed here. My dad is running a small company now and unlike being a farmer as 15 years ago it obviously means more spare money. My dad is from a very poor family, because living in a countryside at '50s and '60s in Estonia meant struggling for your everyday bread. After Estonia gained independence my parents tried to establish a eco-farm, but as ecologically pure food wasn't exactly a hit these days, it was a waste of time and resources.

I was raised in the spirit of valuing education and achievements from my mother side and humanity, spirituality and learning from my father. I never wondered too long over the question, if we have enough money or not, because material values weren't in a too high place in my world view (that before my late teenage years, where I protested heavily against many things, including having too little clothes and others things I felt I desperately needed). I was living as a normal city-girl (yes, 15 000 people in my hometown Kuressaare sounds more like a village to some, but for me it was always a normal town, though I wanted to escape to “free world” since I went to high school).

Now I see it's a bliss to be from a simple family. And always great to come to your roots, see how things change for better and feel happy for the ones who have given you your memories and if I'd want to be very sentimental, I'd also add "life". But this gets too philosophical, because defining "life" is beyond the act of being born and raised. I still have this feeling of gratitude then being here, which mixed with many other little positive pieces influence my ability to concentrate on school-work and other everyday hurries.

Actually I wanted to write about something totally different in the beginning, but ended up in a history trip. My topic today was: “How I cleaned the fridge”, because it was the most colorful event I've had in past days. I wanted to tell what happens to a household, when there is no woman living in it and it's totally left for guys. While I was cleaning the fridge, where I found food with best before date January 2007, expensive salmon gone bad and of course lot of fresh food, which was in such amounts, that no way two men are able to eat them before the best before has passed, I was thinking about womens role in Western society. I wondered if women maybe try to be too equal sometimes and resist of taking the role of the spirit of the household. And how wonderful it is sometimes just to be the simple cleaning lady and create order in chaos.

But I guess about gender roles and balancing your life in the future.

Games we play

Today I happened to be at one meeting where I didn’t know anybody too well. There were around 15 people, a person responsible for the meeting and one man, who was making a presentation. The topic isn’t important, but the fact is that he was a lousy speaker. Lot of pauses, no structure, repeating obvious facts, insincere, thoughts jumping from one place to another, so you could go mad by just trying to track one sentence.

As I had to be there, I was trying to concentrate and act politely. Yet my impatience was growing with every sentence, as I felt my time was being wasted and I gained no new information. So I looked out of the window, played with my fingers, observed other listeners and searched any other way of entertainment.

At one point I started to look more and more often at the person responsible for the meeting, growing agony naked in my eyes: “Please, lady, do something, end it!”. But as she had invited the speaker, she obviously felt more responsible and was listening with special care, asking additional questions and ignoring my and many others sufferings. Truly, I hadn’t felt a long time as when I was a child, sitting in church and listening to speech I don’t understand a word of and my parents have accidentally left my color pencils at home.

So I came to the stage where I was already playing fantasy games. I imagined how I would stand up and just sincerely express my feelings. I’m sure you’ve all played with thoughts you never really plan to realize. And suddenly I noticed the huge contrast between the thought-level and reality. All the people accepted the situation as it was and smiled. The lady and the speaker had a conversation like: “Yes, this is so relevant and informative what you are saying! I wish people like you would speak more often” and reply going in the same bureaucratic jargon: “I’m pleased and thrilled to be here. I’m sure you are all busy people and have your other obligations, but you took some time from your schedule to come here and contribute to this debate we are having.. etc etc”.

Suddenly everything seemed almost unreal as if it was a big play and we all were actors in it. Everyone knew their part is if someone had taught it to them.

You know children, the impolite creatures, they are always the ones who say improper things to strangers and make the parents feel uncomfortable. For example tell a neighbor, who has rang the door-bell, that mother can’t come, she is changing her sanitary towels in the bathroom (as happened to one woman I read from a magazine). Or ask: “Why does this uncle look so angry?” with a loud voice (which is just a common situation for any parent). Children don’t know that life is full of different games and you have to know the rules. So they are sincere and shock us, because we have forgotten, that there is world outside of the rules set by our environment.

Next time you spend time with a random group of people try to look the situation as if it was a play, where everyone have their part. If you are among your friends where people feel totally comfortable you probably meet some difficulties. But when you are in a situation, where people see each other the first time and the set is more formal, you most probably will be surprised (and have much of silent fun). I can imagine, that a person from a different cultural background (might even say, that from Estonian countryside, where etiquette is something different) would have felt very confused in my described meeting and wondered, why no-one says what they really think.

I don’t encourage now to set aside all the rules, games are part of the everyday communication and make our life easier. But I’m sure it’s possible to play these games in a more authentic way and even then meeting a important CEO or any other opinion leader, where the rules should be even more fixed, some out of the box sincerity doesn’t hurt. In fact – I think being human is always the best choice and desperately needed in the world, where people sometimes wear masks just because they’ve forgotten alternatives.

I’m glad we have children, though, to remind us the “ABC of being human”. Raw material, I admit, but better than crap already carved in stone.