Today I heard a child screaming in the dormitory's corridor: „I don’t want, mommy, I don’t want!“ It continued for a few minutes, then faded away, I guess in the end the parent got her way.For me it was heartbreaking. I’m just writing an article about relations between parents and teenagers and the most important thing I’ve picked up is simple – listen to each other.
Why is it so hard to hear a child? Just imagine yourself screaming: „I don’t want!“ and nobody caring why, instead just blaming you for complaining until you stop resisting.
As if parents have a weird anxiety that if they don’t force their children to behave according to certain standards their children will fail as acceptable citizens.
Anxiety confused with love. Doing what is best for you, never thinking why. Following standards even if you don’t like it, but because you started to believe at some point of time that this is how it must be.
What standards anyway? Those standards vary from family to family – if you should always take an umbrella with you when it’s raining, if using public transportation is good or bad, if you should eat everything on your plate, if going out without a bro is sluttish or not, if smiling without a reason is weird or a must-do. Those are not universal laws, they are merely actions that are not right or wrong, but vary from one culture, tradition, habit, belief etc to another. But as people are different, they should have the freedom to choose a way that suits most to their unique character.
Forcing those actions in the name of „universal and right“ creates an illusion that there are no truths. I guess there are not, if you never hear your gut feeling and have learned to ignore the tiny sensations that always give away if you are acting according to it or not.
For me truth is not an action, instead it's bunch of principles, repeating themselves in all the religions, philosophies, people authentic stories and lessons about life, thinkers discoveries, even some help-yourself handbooks. So it can have many faces, but the source is the same.
In this light it’s heartbreaking to see the effort that goes in teaching the right way instead of guiding how to find your way. I guess a child knows better what face does her truth have, unfortunately it gets lost quickly if you are not heard.
Imagine if you could just be natural and speak from the heart. What would you say? What would you do?
You are very insightful, for your youth. I had the sme type of experience recently. I stood in a store and watched and listened to a mother who had a chile who wanted something, and because she did not want to give it, the mother instead started threatening the child with small at first then steadily worsening bad things that would happen if the whining did not stop.
ReplyDeleteBut the entire time, the only attention she paid to the child was to answer the whining. Never did she realize that this child's mind is bored and sitting in this cart all day while mommy talks on the phone and gets what she went to get, can be thoroughly disenchanting to a young mind that wants to play and laugh and ...
All she could do because she wanted to control the situation was to threaten, and because she did not carry that threat out, the threat got worse, and I shudder to think of the life of that child at home, when nobody can see the things the mother will do.
Raising children should be about guiding them through the adventure of life, but we cannot be too busy to answer their questions and show them some of the fun highlights along the way.
I have 7 children with my wife Holly of 18 years of marriage, 2 from my previous marriage, 2 from her previous marriage and 3 together. All lived with us during the 18 years, and all are very happy. The youngest, Miranda, my 12 yr old daughter is such a joy to me, she can be seen on my Don't Worry Be Happy blog entry in MArch of this year.
http://infohwyman.blogspot.com/2008/03/dont-worry-be-happy.html
You have a wonderful way with words, a beautiful command of English as a language, and a very impressive thought process. You are also beautiful, which is always pleasant to see, I appreciate beauty in this world in all its forms.
Truth does exist but so few of us will actually see it in its purest form because we manage to always see things not as they are, but as our experience colors them. We must learn to be still more often and listen to the world around us, and smell, and taste and see with our eyes closed. Truth is around us all, and it is there for us to see and touch, but at the fast pace many of us travel, it is not so likely that many of us will see it very often. Still we must try.
God Bless you and your family and life in Estonia. We are part of an increasingly connected world. We must learn to talk more to those we don't know, that we don't understand, to begin to understand and to begin to see through other eyes, the world as they see it and not just as we see it. That is one reason I am happy to have met you so very far away from where I am. So far and yet a click away, you may remember you commented on my page about that before.
Warmest Regards,
James
Thank you for this beautiful comment! As usual it says a lot more about the sayer than the one something is being said about. I highly appreciate the support and encouragement you are showing!
ReplyDeleteAll the best to you and your family!