I must create some chaos

I’m afraid of the unknown. I have no guarantees, only dreams and aspirations. I have my broken self image, that gets fixed during the journey, but who knows which parts I haven’t noticed? And sometimes even when I try, I’m unable to find my cure.

Yet the unknown is here every day. No one has walked this path. Or maybe has, but I don’t know this person. And I’m not sure if this person could help, as we are bound to be alone through our uniqueness.

Next day has so many choices. This moment does. It could be ordinary, but it’s not - it has a potential to be whatever. And having a choice makes me restless, makes me curious, in need to move on, expand, learn, grow, stretch. It makes me disappointed, weak, sad. And it makes me humble, small, connected, part of it, wise.

This very moment puts me in unknown. Am I up for it? Am I courageous enough to live this moment?

Or I just let it pass. Hide for it and deny it ever existed. Just ignore life with it’s full excitement, merely exist day by day, comfortably, discontent deeply buried somewhere.

I can do that. I am doing this, much too often. Why? Because I’m scared of unknown.

What would happen, if...? What WOULD happen?

Here I am, it has happened already, luckily often enough. I have my story, not a comfortable one.

I need to make it even more uncomfortable, more in unknown.

So I have a choice right now, with this moment. Ability to be scared of it fills me with so much gratitude.

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An astonishing poem that inspired me today from Art of Hosting mailing list, written by a practicioner, Tenneson Woolf Grandma, who died this April. "She was a feminist, a visionary, a gifted leader, a tough warrior, a beautiful midwife."

I MUST

grow and I must stretch and

feel the unrest and discontent

with my own circumstances

no matter

how comfortable I have made them

the need to grow begins to haunt me

when I grow too comfortable

I cannot explain it

nobody taught me how to explain it

there are no words

just the constant ache to expand a little

and feeling that need

like a tooth that needs fixing

and needing also some place in which to do it

and there being no arena for me, woman

child

and man too sometimes man – humanity

and there being none

for my need and

the awful ignorance of how to fill it

and I must fulfill

this need somehow

from my not knowing any other way

I consciously and unconsciously must

CREATE SOME CHAOS