Living moment

Sunset in Arizona, Sept '08
Photo by James Williams

Who would understand what a heart feels? Who would see besides you? Who would care?

Everyone would just say: “Oh, it's as it has always been!”

And they are million times right and million times wrong.

No life could ever be lived as mine. No life can ever be lived as yours. No one knows what our lives could be than lived together.

And what it all comes down to is the chance – if this or that way. Being unable to control life I'm scared, weak and overwhelmed.

I feel the energy of a power stronger than me, hard to describe, throwing me from one opposite to the other, making my head hurt, my heart beat, making you suddenly so meaningful and special. And leaving me so weak, so vulnerable...

I still open my heart. Stubbornly, smilingly, with a confidence hard to describe, with some kind of power that comes from an internal freedom to be a true human. So dependent on my environment and yet so independent, so free and unpredictable in my ways.

I don't want to live on the other side of the safe barrier, not feeling, not ever knowing what is true love, a true hurt and a true pain. Life.

Exciting. Vibrating. Warm.

A living thing.

Only way to experience it is to be opened for whatever it is giving you. Flowing with it. Knowing that it brings along all the opposites – and that it's part of how the story goes. Accepting my fear and yet keep going.

I rather feel the energy, let it all in and let it flow, would it be then a comfortable feeling or an uncomfortable one.

Letting go of the control is the hardest thing I'm learning these days and it makes me fully realize how much our happiness lies in the community around us. We are unable to carry ourselves, we get tired, bittered, empty. As much as we need to carry others we also need to be carried.

Together with my tough lessons comes an unending gratitude for the people around me, I hope all these people know how special they make my life. Those people who keep giving me their energy and warmness - and keep accepting what I have to give - make my days full of meaning. My friends, my family, random act of kindness, a smile, a sincere word. Strangers. Beloved ones. Coming and going in the right times.

They inspire me to go so much further, to reach others who still haven't been touched and to be able to start seeing behind the horizon.

--

And I really want to thank all the dear people who over flooded me with positive energy a few days ago at my birthday. I didn't even celebrate it, but the whole day was a celebration of friendship and beautiful moments. Dear good people, you are REALLY GOOD, it comes back to you:)