In the world of opportunities, careers, friends, celebrities, parties, money, sex, internet, traveling and personal growth -- where does the family fit in?
Well, the truth is that in most of the Western countries, including my own -- it really doesn't. For many people and even for most of my friends -- family comes as one of the last. OK, a girlfriend or a boyfriend might take the first position for a while, but overall -- going out with friends comes before a family dinner, getting a good career comes before having a baby, having fun comes before building a lifelong partnership.
Most of us believe that we can do a better job than our parents did. That's a great way of thinking, because that's how evolution happens - imagine each generation doing a little bit better job than their parents, what a great accumulation of experiences, what strong lessons and amazing values to instill!
Unfortunately most of the cases this doesn't happen. Instead of building on the previous generation, most of us tend to isolate from our parents experience and build something new. Looking at the alarming divorce rates we usually fail in that as well -- giving ground to the next generation of individualists starting from scratch.
This is where I see a problem. Our society is very individualistic. We value more friends, mentors, business partners etc -- all the things that bring immediate pleasure, while family comes with the burden of the past and all the ongoing issues.
Again - we might be different on this one and you might come from a strong family, sharing a great healthy connection with your parents, but despite of everything that my family has done to me - I, as many other people in our society, grew up as a rather individualistic type.
See - similarly to others I haven't been the most family oriented person. Heck - if Maru wouldn't have had a different plan (I'm glad that he did:), I wouldn't have started a family before my early 30s -- or even later. Independence, freedom, personal growth and contribution to the society have been the keywords driving me and family never quite fit in the big picture.
So what's the problem?
To start with -- Thomas J Stanley, a scientist who has made a research about American millionaires, discovered among other interesting stuff that most of the millionaires have been married with the same person more than 30 years.
It only makes sense when you think about it -- divorces are emotionally AND financially very costly. The odds are that you have a happier and more wealthy life when you can rely on a lifelong partner.
An author Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, who recently appeared in Oprah, brings out another reason to put family first:
Just recently I started new conversations with my kid and even my sister and brother. I tell Maru that family is important. Simple as that. I want him to grow up knowing that he has unconditional love in his life, valuing the gifts he got while growing up, contributing to the ongoing growth of the family by becoming a role-model himself. I want him to feel connected with the past experiences and have a peace of mind when it comes to his identity.
Well, the key to the happiness truly lies inside, so pleasing your family is not the key to liberation. Yet life is all about balance -- I sense that our values are dangerously out of balance when it comes to family. Instead of seeing this as an asset and find a healthy relationship with it, we rather tend to isolate us from the family and run away fast when problems or demands arise.
Why is that?
Most of us don't come from a perfect family. I bet there have been moments when you have said: "I wish someone would have taught me this when I was a child!" Or in other words: "Dammit you parents! Why didn't you do a better job?" (or something like this lol)
Most of us believe that we can do a better job than our parents did. That's a great way of thinking, because that's how evolution happens - imagine each generation doing a little bit better job than their parents, what a great accumulation of experiences, what strong lessons and amazing values to instill!
Unfortunately most of the cases this doesn't happen. Instead of building on the previous generation, most of us tend to isolate from our parents experience and build something new. Looking at the alarming divorce rates we usually fail in that as well -- giving ground to the next generation of individualists starting from scratch.
This is where I see a problem. Our society is very individualistic. We value more friends, mentors, business partners etc -- all the things that bring immediate pleasure, while family comes with the burden of the past and all the ongoing issues.
Again - we might be different on this one and you might come from a strong family, sharing a great healthy connection with your parents, but despite of everything that my family has done to me - I, as many other people in our society, grew up as a rather individualistic type.
See - similarly to others I haven't been the most family oriented person. Heck - if Maru wouldn't have had a different plan (I'm glad that he did:), I wouldn't have started a family before my early 30s -- or even later. Independence, freedom, personal growth and contribution to the society have been the keywords driving me and family never quite fit in the big picture.
So what's the problem?
To start with -- Thomas J Stanley, a scientist who has made a research about American millionaires, discovered among other interesting stuff that most of the millionaires have been married with the same person more than 30 years.
It only makes sense when you think about it -- divorces are emotionally AND financially very costly. The odds are that you have a happier and more wealthy life when you can rely on a lifelong partner.
An author Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, who recently appeared in Oprah, brings out another reason to put family first:
"Placing friends before family is yet another destructive modern value. Friends love you for your virtue, your sense of loyalty, your sense of humor. But family loves you for just being you. A child's formative years requires the unconditional love that only family can offer rather than the more tentative love that friendship affords. This is not to say that friendship is not important, but rather that the ratio of friendship-time to family-time in after school hours must be at least five to one."
Now reading Boteach really got me thinking. What is family to me and what is it going to be for my kids and partner? You see -- I believe I have a lot to give to my kids and partner, also to my parents and siblings, would be such a pity if my kids would grow up never really benefiting from these experiences and values.
If all of that rings a bell, then there might be a few thoughts to consider:
- How do you contribute to the health of your family?
- What can you appreciate about your family?
- Words have power to heal or to destroy -- what kind of language are you using when talking about family?
- What else can you do to make your partner feel that he/she matters?
So this one is for da familia and for stronger and happier close relationships. I think we should talk about that stuff more, living for yourself is not really that much fun when you put that in perspective:)
PS: If interested, read the rest of the suggestions on how to raise outstanding children from Rabbi Shmuley Boteach here.
I really liked these ideas.
ReplyDeleteIt's so easy not to put any effort into keeping family relations in order and go be with friends and other people instead.
Friends can last a life-time as well and there is no doubt that these relationships also contribute to a healthy life, but friendships (and especially shallow friendships with as many people as possible) is over-appreciated and those long-lasting relationships are also cast aside when things get more difficult (distances, different jobs, new schools).
It's so easy to just get new friends and so hard to keep a few good ones the whole way. And the same goes even further with family.
Anyway, a lot of thoughts rushed through my mind while reading this, thank you! :)
Hey Marjam,
ReplyDeleteA quite actual note you mentioned about family VS friendships VS individualism.
A few years ago, when I was still a school kid, I made a promise to myself that my kids ( or at least the eldest) would be brought up by my mother. Since I am 100% sure my mother raised us- her kids- in a very good way: a good ratio of individualism/collectivism/friendship/family oriented/responsible and with a right attitude to life.
A piece to share: in many traditional Kazakh families ( back in my home country) the first child is usually raised up by grandparents', preferably by husband's parents. This tradition does still exist, and some young couples disagree with this feature of our culture. However, I see only good moments in such upbringing.
How is it in typical families in Estonia?
Martin, love it! I've come to understand that building something that lasts for life is so much fun, but only when you put in a perspective of a lifetime. Otherwise you just see it as work.
ReplyDeleteIt's similar to discovering that personal growth is a lifelong project -- once you understand life is a marathon and not a sprint, then small roadblocks don't seem to big so important anymore and growth becomes fun. All about putting things in perspective and choosing your focus.
Assel, this concept is something new to me. In Estonia generations don't have a strong bond, there are a lot of divorces and in general people tend to postpone having children (similarly to most of the Western countries).
I personally enjoy the creative process of raising kids a lot and enjoy sharing what I'm learning with the next generation, so I wouldn't delegate this joy away to anyone:) But in the end of the day it's a personal choice, influenced by many factors. One thing I must say -- you really make me curious, I'd love to know more about that:)
Focusing on friends instead of family is kind of taking the easier way. You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family, so the starting position is somewhat disatvantaged and it is probably harder to make family relationships work. However, I agree - things that one has invested a lot into aren't thrown away that easily and this partly explains the greater constancy of family relationships.
ReplyDelete- Katrin
(once a member of @ Trt)
Hmm... how wierd. Haven't thought about it as my life is different. But very often and sadly it is true in so many cases.
ReplyDeleteMy family (the two of us) has been nr 1 for me since autumn 2007. At least this is the moment when I conciuosly made the decision and followed it through. I am lucky to have a partner who understands it the same way.
Thank you for these thoughts. :)
Hugs,
Kadi